Let’s talk numbers… I am always intrigued when people talk about their weight! Doesn’t it feel like taboo, or something?! I remember being in high school and weighing 150 pounds–I was a size 2, lean, and BUFF 😆 I remember talking with other girls who didn’t have the same body type as me and they weighed 20-30 pounds less 😳 … and that’s originally when the scale and the “numbers” started getting to me.
As I got older, my body weight stayed the same (150), but once I was out of college I slowly started to lose muscle and gain some fat… I was a four-year collegiate athlete (volleyball) and then coached at the collegiate level for two years… I’ve taken care of my body but always looked at the numbers on the scale and WANTED to see a 1 and then a 3 next to it… at my lowest weight (at the time of our wedding) I weighed 143 pounds. I was doing moderate exercise and was on the “16 Day Diet” (which is a low calorie/low fat diet).
My body looked great but my relationship with food was not the healthiest… don’t get me wrong, I ate “healthy” food, but I was doing it for the thought that if I could *just* get to the 130’s then I’d be happy and would be able to stop dieting 🙄 I think I’ve told myself that for as long as I can remember…
Ok, ok, so fast forward… 3 years into our marriage I became pregnant with our beautiful
daughter, Faith. When I got pregnant I weighed 145 and the day I gave birth I weighed 170 (total weight gain was 25 pounds); HOWEVER (and this is a BIG however) I lost a lot of muscle throughout my pregnancy, which probably means I probably gained more like 35-40 pounds during my pregnancy, because a lot of muscle converted to fat (and fat weighs less than muscle).
After giving birth, I went pretty rogue with food for about 3-4 months 😑 #ravenousbreastfeeding! And at 10 months postpartum I weighed 165 pounds and KNEW I needed to make a change. That’s when I started eating better and exercising (together–as a whole package). Over the next 10 months I got back to 153 and felt strong and healthy… Anddddd, that’s when I got pregnant with our sweet baby boy, Canon. So, I started my pregnancy at 153 and didn’t really gain any weight until my third trimester… I worked out about 4 times a week and ate as best I could 😊💪 I could tell that I was keeping my muscle and felt strong my entire pregnancy!
The morning my water broke I weighed in at 171 (18 pounds gained since the start of my pregnancy) and when I got home from the hospital I weighed 168 (keep in mind, Canon was an 8 POUND BABY!). Pretty sure my 1st graders can do that math on that one to see that those numbers do not add up (or subtract down)! Immediately, I felt discouraged. Those darn numbers, staring back at me… I felt like they were yelling, “You are heavier NOW than you were when you were feeling your WORST (4 months postpartum with Faith). It was hard.
I started doing light activity and was doing my best to eat well (but was starving ALL DAY!). I would weigh myself daily… Sometimes multiple times per day. Every time I would get on that darn scale it was discouraging. Even when the number went down, it never felt like enough. I’d have a great couple days, but the number wouldn’t budge. I was so focused on the NUMBERS.
I am now 1 year postpartum and I weigh (as of 2 weeks ago) 164 pounds. My abs are coming back… My legs are strong… My arms tote around a 23 pound baby and a 37 pound toddler regularly…
Does that number frustrate me? YES. I am frustrated that I let it steal my joy for so long.
That’s why I cannot give you my exact/current weight… because I’ve hid my scale in my closet and promised myself to not pull it out for another couple weeks.
You see, if I was in a relationship and had a PERSON in my life that made me feel the same way the scale does (fat, depressed, not-good-enough, self-doubting, unhappy, weak, unhealthy, defeated, etc.) I would get the heck out of that relationship! There’s no way I’d let someone abuse me in that way… So why did I spend all those years letting some stupid numbers determine whether I felt “fit,” healthy, or good about myself????
I don’t know… But I tell you one thing, I am SO OVER IT and moving ON! I have decided to keep my scale *just* so I can weigh myself every month to show myself that the number doesn’t mean a darn thing. I want to look at my progress pictures and put a number on them–because you know what?! I am pretty confident I was not the only one in an unhealthy and abusive relationship with the scale.
If you are reading this and have felt these same things… Do yourself a favor and break up with that son-of-a-b 🙂 I will tell you, it’s going to feel WEIRD. The first week, I had to coach myself through it. Sounds dumb, but I felt brainwashed. I’d get up in the morning, go to the bathroom, and WANT to step on to see what my day was starting out like. Why? Habit, routine, brainwashed thinking. It felt like something was missing. My unhealthy relationship was MISSING.
But, guess what?! After a week, I felt myself thriving. I was eating well and working out because I was IN MY BODY. I was FEELING my body. I had to remind myself, pretty regularly, that I am on a JOURNEY to be the healthiest and happiest Summer that I can be. I do not have an end date or a goal weight. Let me repeat that… I DO NOT HAVE AN END DATE OR A GOAL WEIGHT. Ahhh, that statement will set you free….
You know what my goal is?! To feel:
I want to be the mom that plays outside with her kids all day without thinking twice about it. I want to be the wife that puts on her itsy-bitsy shorts and sports bra and struts around the house knowing that her husband is checking out her every move. I want to put on jeans and feel comfortable–like, actual comfort… As in, I can button and zip those suckers up and they don’t dig into my gut or reveal my backside when I squat down. I want to put on my swimsuit, head out on our boat with friends, and not worry about putting on a cover-up or keeping a towel wrapped around my hips.
Doesn’t that sound nice? Because I tell you, I would take all those things 100 times over, INSTEAD of seeing 130 staring back at me on some floor-lying-dream-crusher.
So, that’s me. Those are my numbers. I have much more to say about breastfeeding and the scale, too. But that will have to be saved for another day, since I’ve rambled long enough 🙂
Please leave your questions, comments, and thoughts below! I’d love to hear what you think, what your goals are, and whether or not you’ve decided to #ditchthescale 🙂